Christine an addict and her story

My name is Christine and I'm a recovering addict. I started to use alcohol when I was 8 and drugs when I was 11. We have to remember that alcohol is a drug so not to forget that anything can set us back. A little background on myself is that I grew up in a small town in Nebraska with about 300 ppl. I was brought up in a certain lifestyle with my dad and grandparents. Which was very strick  and church like. I was in a parochial school from kindergarten to 8th grade. Life for me was sheltered early on, and I began to ask questions. Questions of "why" or "why me?" My mother died when I was 2 and I began to resent the higher power that I was brought up with. Resent because of the pain I felt inside and the pain from not understanding life as it was. Nothing was fair and nothing's seemed to make sense to me on how I could feel such an empty hole inside all the time. I understand today that I made myself to be the victim of what my higher powers will had in store for me to grow through it all. Also it was not all about me either. My father and sisters felt pain too, but why couldn't I just get over it like everyone told me to. I never learned fully how to accept or keep an open mind.  I also grew up with a father that he himself was a recovering addict. He never found solace in a 12 step program and felt pain from losing his love of his life. There may have been a little bit of anger towards a higher power as well within him. We never learned to communicate or show love to one another. There were no I love yous or hugs growing up. A lot of "its a long way from your heart Christine." Where really I've learned today that I feel and love a lot by with my  heart. So when I was 8 I took my first drink. 11 I smoked a drug and so on and so on the progression of my disease continued even if I didn't want to continue. I saw the pain it caused the ppl I loved, but I continued to use due to not feeling worthwhile in my family's eyes. I did things half way and waited for the disappointed looks. I ended up striving off them because it gave me a sense of accomplishment for doing something all the way through to the end. When I was 16 I dropped out of high school due to paranoia and the severity of my using. I couldn't function in public and was afraid of others. I ended up moving to Ohio with my sister and know that geographical cures don't help always for everyone. I ended up getting in trouble with the law and was on probation for 5 years. This is where I got my first taste of Narcotics Anonymous. I didn't want to go to prison at the age of 19 and rot my life away. I didn't want to keep killing myself slowly. I wanted to learn how to live how all these people were talking about a new way of life. I wanted to continue to do better for myself and my family. Also btw some relationships take awhile to rematch, but have faith that you are worth enough today and the days forward to have whoever you choose in it. Hopefully with time and practice on loving yourself the ppl you choose are healthy ones. I found that after leaving the ppl we do love  behind the ones that are still using drugs or using you we begin to grow. I've learned how to have respect for myself. Getting older as a girl I thought having relationships and just giving myself away to another person would make me liked. I don't have to do that today , ppl love me for Me! Which is pretty awesome after learning how to live! I'm 25 years old now and have 4 years clean as of Dec. 10th of 2013! I would never have thought it was possible to cry and not be ashamed or hug a stranger and not be fearful. I hope my higher power touches someone's heart in their life so that they can start to find the person inside that is so awesome and deserving.